


Skeletons in the Closet

by MartialMaster



Category: Diablo (Video Game), Magic: The Gathering
Genre: Crack, Crack Crossover, Crossover, Dubious Consent, Explicit Language, Illusions, Literal boning, M/M, Magic, One Shot, Skeleton Puns, Skeletons, puns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-15
Updated: 2018-02-15
Packaged: 2019-03-18 18:16:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13687143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MartialMaster/pseuds/MartialMaster
Summary: Dimir intrigue is infringing on Golgari territory. Jace delves into the undercity to discover the object of the Dimir's desire and end the dispute before it can escalate further. What he finds amidst the crumbling ruins is an ancient malevolence that predates the guildpact itself.





	Skeletons in the Closet

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is the result of a game: Throw a bunch of different characters from different fandoms into a pool and draw two randomly, then write a crack fic about them! It was fun, but please set your expectations accordingly - this is the crackiest crack that ever cracked. Unbeta'd

The undercity stank, rose up around Jace as he meandered cautiously through the labyrinthine tunnels. Fetid water dripped down through the cracks in the masonry, only to provide nourishment for the carpet of fungi that squished beneath his feet. He was getting close now, closer than he cared to admit. Satisfied that his invisibility was holding, he continued his trek.

The tunnel curved upwards before opening into a circular chamber, illuminated by the spectral light of the moon which shone down through a series of deliberate gaps in the stonework. The center of the room was dominated by an ornate throne, glittering gold even under the washed out light. Old bones littered the moss-covered floor and a jagged crown hung from the backing of the ancient chair. An almost smile toyed with Jace’s cheeks, House Dimir wanted that crown, they had been encroaching on Golgari territory for months searching for it. Still, he reminded himself, it must be powerful if the Dimir would risk war with the Swarm over it.

He picked his way to the throne, mindful of the myriad bones that seemed determined to lie underfoot. His fingers brushed the carved throne, gliding over reliefs of angels and demons. He frowned, was this an old Orzhov cathedral? The questions could wait, for now his goal was quite literally within his grasp, as thin fingers closed about the ancient crown.

His stomach dropped, ice filling his veins as maniacal laughter filled the room, booming off of every wall, not quite drowning out the clatter of bone from behind him. He turned to flee, only to find himself face to former face with an enormous, armoured skeleton wielding a wickedly flanged mace. Jace panicked, stumbling backwards out of the skeleton’s grip, only to trip over the arm of the throne, arms flailing, legs splayed, he landed on his back on the seat of the throne, wedged uncomfortably between its arms, the sound of metal scraping stone echoed about the room as the crown rolled across the chamber floor.

“WHO DARES DISTURB MY REST!” the beast shouted, closing the gap between Jace and itself before pressing a bony hand down onto Jace’s sternum, pining him to the chair, his free hand flexing about his enormous mace.

“Jace - Jace Beleren,” his eyes flashed blue-white in the dim light of the chamber, hoping his illusion could cover the fear trembling through his voice, “Living Guildpact of Ravnica.”

To Jace’s relief, the creature released him with a laugh as dry as the bones it was made from before collecting the jagged crown from the ground and passing it idly back and forth between his bony fingers.

“You cower in the presence of, Leoric, the Skeleton King,” he rounded on Jace once again, and Jace could have sworn a malevolent smile arched over Leoric’s dried jaw, “Your pathetic guildpact saw me overthrown by the very people I had sworn to protect, you assassins and thieves, I wish you would all burn in Rakdos’ pit!”

Jace blanched at that, yet the Skeleton King made no move towards injury, merely continuing on his mad tirade before finally settling on some coherent information, “I cannot harm you, guildpact, for I am as bound to Azor’s filthy geass as the rest of this decrepit city!”

“I need your crown to settle a dispute between guilds,” Jace said, emboldened by Leoric’s revelation of powerlessness. The skeleton laughed.

“And what do I care of Guild Wars? Your bloody guilds stole my kingdom from me! Let them all burn!” he shrieked.

“If House Dimir leads the Swarm to this place then Jarad will force you into an eternity of servitude.”

“Let them try,” a dark shadow passed over the Skeleton King’s face before an eerie calm settled about him, “however…”

Jace probed for thoughts in futility, the dead had no minds, their being long since subsumed into the essence of mana that now embodied them, more like living imitations of their former existence.

“I desire nothing more than to see the Pact which binds me destroyed,” he began, “absent that option, I would see it stripped of the sanctity which it has been afforded.”

Jace’s eyes widened, “What do you mean, spirit?”

Leoric dragged a claw-like finger across Jace’s jaw, the touch sent goosebumps down his arms, and an unwelcome chill down his spine.

“Give me your body,” the Skeleton demanded, “and I will give you my crown.”

“My body?” Jace gasped.

“You’re already a whore for the guilds,” the king laughed once more, “I want you to beg before your king!”

Jace steeled himself, his duty was to Ravnica and its people, and preventing war between the Dimir and the Swarm would keep the tenuous peace, even if only for a few more weeks. He pulled himself out of the chair and nodded gravely at the skeleton.

Claw-like hands ripped the tunic from Jace’s body, scattering frayed remnants of blue fabric down against the mossy floor. Jace’s pale body gleamed in the silver moonlight, as bony fingers traced the lines of white tattoos, following their lead down to his hips before shredding his pants.

Jace shrank into the folds of his cloak, his body now on full display before the lecherous skeleton.

“Beg for this, whore!” the skeleton demanded, grabbing Jace about the shoulders and pulling him towards the throne.

“Please,” Jace said, gazing up into the empty eye sockets of the skeleton, “please, I need you, bone me, my liege, I beg you.”

Leoric dropped the crown with a cackle as bony fingers searched the cleft of Jace’s ass, scraping against his puckered entrance, “your wish is my command.”

The skeleton sat himself down onto the throne and picked his femur out of his thigh, his free hand grabbed Jace about the hip and spun him about, casting the blue cloak aside to reveal his prize. Two pale moon cheeks surrounded the dark star of Jace’s asshole. Cackling with glee, the skeleton held his thigh by the ball joint and aligned the thin end with Jace’s entrance. Slowly but surely he began to push, Jace cried out as the knobs of bone pressed into him stretching the tight ring of muscles to impossible length, each ridge of bone opening him further and further. Jace felt like he was about to split, as the bone finally slipped into him with a pop, and as his ass closed around the flared bone, Jace shattered into a million shards of blue glass, before reappearing, fully clothed at the chamber’s entrance, his face set in a smirk.

“NO!” the skeleton roared, lunging for the crown now dangling from Jace’s outstretched hand, but the Guildpact merely stepped back out of the room, taking the crown with him, and as it passed through the threshold and into the tunnels of the undercity, the skeleton collapsed, back into a pile of musty bones.

“Sorry, Leoric,” Jace said to the darkness of the undercity as he made his way back to the surface, “but it looks like you won’t be boning me tonight!”


End file.
